Three Glorious Holes

By now, regular readers are familiar with the most beloved car in the mph fleet, our Subaru Justy. Despite being on the receiving end of random acts of violence and abuse from the mph staff, this mid-80s, triple-cylinder appliance not only won't throw in the towel, but begs for more like a jilted lover. The clutch no longer "clutches" per se, but vaguely and randomly applies pressure to the flywheel as its leisure, the sensation from the helm not unlike that of a CVT-equipped snowmobile; rpms climb and eventually the vehicle begins to move, momentum chasing the engine revs until the next gear selection.

I'm sure many of you are as curious as I am concerning what is going on inside that sixty-six horsepower three-holer, so I took the opportunity to run a compression test, and the results weren't as bad as I'd anticipated. The cylinders, left-to-right, produced readings of 190, 150, and 120, results my stockbroker—sorry, I mean investment professional—would refer to as "trending downward," broker speak for "I've already frittered away most of your money in investments about as stable as a Balinese shrimping boat, and your kids will be going to State if you don't drop off another trunk full of cash by Monday." Which, automotively speaking, is basically what the Subie is telling us; "I'm moving, but listing to the right, and even a major cash infusion won't guarantee safe travel." Glass-full types will undoubtedly point out that, considering what we paid for it, every mile is a bonus, but I haven't exactly seen any of them standing in line to take the Justy to their Up With People rehearsals. Oh, and check out that spark plug—you could measure the gap with a yardstick.

For those who have not yet received the April issue or are just generally unfamiliar with the ongoing saga of the Justy, get up to speed by viewing the award-winning, erotically fueled, and emotionally charged motion-picture epic, H3 vs. Justy, directed by mph executive editor, Sir Lord Daniel "That's a Wrap" Ascot Pund Jr. Esquire III HERE.

Stay tuned. We've got a lot more planned for this little beast before it's all over.

Andrew Wendler
Posted - March 28, 2006
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