Hurry Up and Die

When I'm not busy fighting third-world famine with my witty and informative car reviews, I use my awesome video game skills to defend the Star League from Xur and the Ko-Dan. I'm a pretty busy guy, and my hour-long commute doesn't help. For the safety of the universe, this situation needs to change.

Clearly, the best thing that could happen for my commute is for GM to go bankrupt. It seems inevitable anyway, what with The Truth About Cars GM Death Watch already up to part 267. It's incredible that the company has survived this long.

So what happens if GM folds, moves to Korea, or gets bought by Toyota? Fewer jobs, that's what, which means fewer people on the road. My commute would be a traffic-free joyride. But consider the secondary effects. Road congestion would be lessened even more by all the suppliers that would close down in the wake of GM's demise. There would be a lot less pollution as well. The mass exodus from the Metro Detroit region would also mean way fewer people eating out, so I'll never have to wait in line at lunch. And the loss in tax revenue to local municipalities will result in less money for police patrols, turning our highways into de-facto autobahns.

The only negative consequence to this scenario is that the reduced population will leave the area ripe for a zombie invasion, but that's okay. I can fight zombies, I can't fight traffic.

Mike Austin
Posted - March 27, 2006
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